Dream Disclaimer

While I sat in the out, out, OUT field in gym class in grade 6, picking clover, and thinking of the 27 kids I planned to have (that is how many I had names for :o) I didn't notice the small print. You know! "Car, house, and comfortable income not included." It has only been fairly recently that I have come to terms with the fact that you CAN have it all, but maybe not all at the same time.

I have my family, or as much of it as we can handle right now... I have a strong faith in God - although I know there is LOTS of room for improvement there. Back in the school yard I might have thought that was all there was to that dream. I took for granted that an income would have to provide the house, the car, the food. In my dream I wasn't stressed about the bills that had to be paid - neither was my husband. We were just able to enjoy the children, giving them a nice balance of what they need and what they want. We got to go camping, and touring Canada - they all had their own room, and got to participate in sports and other activities that interested them.

With maturity has come a MUCH more realistic number of children, but the other stuff didn't change. I still want to be able to give them everything, and be able to have the time, money and energy to expose them to travel, nature, people, culture, art - the list goes on and on.

Today my ds1 turns 7. He wants to paint his room, but since we rent, I can't do that for him. He always wanted a battery operated car - which he never got. He likes sports, but can only go to the YMCA - and then, only when I have the energy to take him. He loves animals and has been looking forward to us 'getting a farm'. That will not be happening anytime soon. He is perfectly happy, but for me, my sadness over him turning 7 is about more than just my 'baby' growing up. There is also guilt for not giving him that dream I had for him. There is also despair that I will have to experience this sadness over and over again, as he and the rest of my family continue to be short-changed on what I had hoped for them.

Perhaps I could give them more of those things if I decided to work outside the home, instead of sticking to my hopes of being home with them. I don't think that would fix it though. They might experience more - but I wouldn't be there to see it.

What are the things I am missing? I don't have the house. I have never been able to be excited about decorating a nursery, or bedroom. I can't change the things I don't like in the house... I don't have the yard. For them or their dog (which they also don't have). I don't have the vehicle that is comfortable for the whole family. I don't have the furniture. (Okay, this one is mostly about me... I just hate my house looking like I went shopping at a college yard sale - which is pretty much what I did!) I don't have the vacations. I want to take them camping, and to famous cities - ESPECIALLY Canadian ones... I REALLY want to take them to the 2010 Olympics...

The absence of these things don't diminish how much I love my children at all. I think my children make me sadder about these things though. Every time I see something out of line with the picture in my head I mourn the areas in which I have failed the kids, and the whole family...