A Eulogy for my Grandmother

Growing up people often said that I was just like my grandmother. I hated it. Not that I didn't like her, but that they were usually referring to my being stubborn. A trait that she and I DEFINATELY shared. Looking through some of her old papers and things in the last few days I came to understand how deep that resemblance went. I found a letter in response to one she had written to someone in the House of Commons regarding the National Debt. I smiled as I thought back to my recent correspondence with various levels of government regarding Independent Energy brokers. I found a 'letter to the Editor' that she had submitted regarding some terrible injustice in the world at the time - and thought about the comment to a recent CBC story that I submitted. So I discovered that not only were we both stubborn but EVERYONE was entitled, and would thus receive our opinion. What other traits, if any did I glean from her?

My grandmother loved animals. Whether it was faithfully feeding the birds (carefully adding bacon grease in the winter), cared for a stray dog - or cat, or religiously carrying her old dog Rosey around when she was so riddled with arthritis she couldn't walk.

My grandmother loved people. She loved her family. I saw her serve my grandfather - providing the meals, doing the laundry - the traditional acts of service for a wife. I remember her caring for him when he was sick. It was beautiful to watch her love and strength in action. She LOVED my father. Her only son. Her treasured gift from God. Her eyes would light up whenever he entered the room. She loved my Mom. Who she referred to as ‘the daughter she never had’. Although she would often chide my Mom for worrying about her too much - you could see the love and gratitude in her eyes. As her grandchildren we all knew that Grandma loved us, each in our own ways for who we were. Her great-grandchildren were an endless source of joy for her. It wasn't that long ago that I brought Jordan to meet her for the first time. Even then - when we weren't even sure if she knew WE were there - having her newest great-grandson in her arms made her smile. No, made her beam! She loved strangers. Donating time, money, energy, whatever it took to help those more in need than herself...

My grandmother loved Christ. She strived to make him the centre of her day and the centre of her life. She believed that the world would be a better place if more people would do the same. I remember her teaching me the Lord's Prayer at the kitchen table, and I remember her encouraging me to 'love them like Christ does' when I would come to her teary eyed about being teased at school.

When you are young, all these stories and experiences drift by you like fall leaves on a breezy day. Little pieces of life being scattered in the wind. You don't look at, or appreciate the importance of them when you are experiencing the reckless abandon of youth. Now as a wife and mother of three I realize how fleeting those moments are - you realize that rather than some grand enormous occasion, it is the culmination of those little moments that make a legacy. Today and in the weeks following we need to sort through those pieces that Grandma left behind and decide what we are going to hang onto as her legacy to us.

For myself I want her dedication to Christ, and her dedication to her family to inspire me in my life. I pray today that God will place reminders of her in my path to keep me focused in following her footsteps in these things. I thank him for the woman he created when he made her, and I thank him for his love that shone through her and touched each of us.

Dream Disclaimer

While I sat in the out, out, OUT field in gym class in grade 6, picking clover, and thinking of the 27 kids I planned to have (that is how many I had names for :o) I didn't notice the small print. You know! "Car, house, and comfortable income not included." It has only been fairly recently that I have come to terms with the fact that you CAN have it all, but maybe not all at the same time.

I have my family, or as much of it as we can handle right now... I have a strong faith in God - although I know there is LOTS of room for improvement there. Back in the school yard I might have thought that was all there was to that dream. I took for granted that an income would have to provide the house, the car, the food. In my dream I wasn't stressed about the bills that had to be paid - neither was my husband. We were just able to enjoy the children, giving them a nice balance of what they need and what they want. We got to go camping, and touring Canada - they all had their own room, and got to participate in sports and other activities that interested them.

With maturity has come a MUCH more realistic number of children, but the other stuff didn't change. I still want to be able to give them everything, and be able to have the time, money and energy to expose them to travel, nature, people, culture, art - the list goes on and on.

Today my ds1 turns 7. He wants to paint his room, but since we rent, I can't do that for him. He always wanted a battery operated car - which he never got. He likes sports, but can only go to the YMCA - and then, only when I have the energy to take him. He loves animals and has been looking forward to us 'getting a farm'. That will not be happening anytime soon. He is perfectly happy, but for me, my sadness over him turning 7 is about more than just my 'baby' growing up. There is also guilt for not giving him that dream I had for him. There is also despair that I will have to experience this sadness over and over again, as he and the rest of my family continue to be short-changed on what I had hoped for them.

Perhaps I could give them more of those things if I decided to work outside the home, instead of sticking to my hopes of being home with them. I don't think that would fix it though. They might experience more - but I wouldn't be there to see it.

What are the things I am missing? I don't have the house. I have never been able to be excited about decorating a nursery, or bedroom. I can't change the things I don't like in the house... I don't have the yard. For them or their dog (which they also don't have). I don't have the vehicle that is comfortable for the whole family. I don't have the furniture. (Okay, this one is mostly about me... I just hate my house looking like I went shopping at a college yard sale - which is pretty much what I did!) I don't have the vacations. I want to take them camping, and to famous cities - ESPECIALLY Canadian ones... I REALLY want to take them to the 2010 Olympics...

The absence of these things don't diminish how much I love my children at all. I think my children make me sadder about these things though. Every time I see something out of line with the picture in my head I mourn the areas in which I have failed the kids, and the whole family...

Living The Dream

Sometimes I forget, but in at least in one sense I am 'living the dream'. For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM), just like my Mom. I would ALWAYS 'be the Mom' when I played pretend as a kid. I remember in high school, feeling like guidance counselling wasn't for me since I didn't NEED post secondary education - I just needed a family... In a way it is the one profession that is over-looked and under-valued by people in many aspects of society.

I know that my rush to have a family did lead me to make a lot of mistakes. I would fall too far into relationships too quick. At the time I REALLY did think that 'he' was the one... And time and time again 'he' would SO not be the one. Finding that out always seemed to be a terrible and painful lesson. Some more painful than others.

My DS1 was a part of one of those lessons. Even after he was born I thought I could make things work with his Dad so that I could have my family. Two weeks before I was to move to another city with him - he 'changed his mind'. Having already given up my job, and apartment - I was stuck. I spent 30 long, gruelling, terrible, eye-opening days in a women's shelter. During that time I found a job as a school bus driver, and a tiny apartment out of town. It wasn't my dream - but I was starting to feel close. I had started to take my faith seriously. I had FINALLY figured out that it was important. If I was going to achieve what I believed was God's plan for me - I was going to have to do it HIS way.

I was just starting to feel like my life was on track - and was settling down into a routine. Something happened - the details of which I won't discuss now - which resulted in my having to move. This time the Church rallied together and helped me and my son financially, emotionally, and tangibly. During this time the Church connected me to a small study group. In that group was the man I was going to marry. I didn't know it at first - the more my future DH and I got to know each other, the more I wanted to know...

He is from a close knit farm family, and family is very important to him. From a farming perspective - he loves nature, and respects it. He is sensitive, caring, and responsible. If he has a flaw - it would be the same as mine - in that he needs to learn things by experiencing them. IT DRIVES ME NUTS!!! He respects my desire to stay home to look after our family. We were married a year after we started dating. The only times I have EVER wondered if that was too quick has been in terms of the finances of my DH finishing his Masters, and supporting the family at the same time. It does get tough, and feels defeating at times, but I would not trade our life together, or the two children we have had since being married - for the world.

The times I get discouraged, and run down I need to focus on my family, and my place in it as the SAHM. My dream job!