Fueling the Dream

This last little while has been a weird time for me. I switched medication levels and have found something that is really working for me. At the same time though I am finding that I am buckling under the stress and pressure of our situation. This month we are completely relying on a mixture of our parents and anyone else we can scare up to pay our bills. We are waiting to hear about the outcome of a couple of jobs and this is really the end of the line for us. If one of these jobs don’t work - Kevin is going to have to leave his Masters undone and get whatever job he can find. That is a daunting fact after 5.5 years put into it.

We pray earnestly, and it just gets delayed more and more. I am not sure what the purpose is in this. I trust that God does have something planned, but for the life of me I don’t know what, or if we are even headed in the right direction. We just continue to pray and pray,and wait for God to give us an answer.

I think that is one of the most difficult aspects of all of this as well. I want to participate in so many things this summer, and experience so many things with the kids, but we can’t. Even with the help we have we are falling short.

On the other hand, now that school is over for the summer I have been homeschooling Kyle. I am so proud of him! He has been working 4-5 hours a day on school. I have a math program that he is eagerly devouring. We have a printing program, phonics program, and a general language program, and even though it is Kyle’s most difficult subject he is working hard on it without complaints. For Science and Social Studies we are going very Charlotte Mason. I am loving it. The biggest issue with it right now is that Jordan is terribly cranky, and difficult to handle, and we haven’t figured out what to do with him yet. That will come with time, and I suspect with the teeth that are trying to break through!

In regards to the title, the only thing fueling the dream right now is prayer. Prayer, prayer, and more prayer. Feel free to add us to your list

The Next Step

On Monday my husband and I were squandering our meager funds by having lunch at MacDonald’s. I decided to run over to Rietman’s to get some have decent shorts, as we had been suffering a major heatwave here and all I had were a couple skirts, and yoga capris. Not exactly suitable for day to day stuff… The plan was that my family would finish up eating, and pick me up.

I am in the change room, taking much longer than I had anticipated, and Kevin calls my cell. I assumed that he was calling to rush me. Instead he shared with me that the fellow with whom he has been communicating with about a job in Manitoba called. It turns out that he was going to be in London at a meeting, and wanted Kevin to meet him there the next day if that was reasonable. He described it as “unorthodox” and an “informal chat” with him and his boss.

I was ecstatic! We were both getting antsy about the interview never happening, because it had been over a week since the deadline to apply for the job. Suddenly the interview was the next day! Needless to say we did some quick prep, and today it was off for London.

After the interview Kevin wrote down as many of the questions he could remember. The “informal chat” was 1.5 hours of typical, and difficult interview questions. The only informal thing was that they were not wearing suits! Any way we went over his answer and it really seems like he nailed it. I am so proud. Even if he doesn’t get it, he has done his best, and he did a tremendous job. Right now all I can say is that it is in God’s hands. It has been there all the time of course, but we have both tried to do our best when action was required. I really pray that this is God’s plan for us. It would change our lives…

Where is Dreamom?

Recently I communicated to a friend who commented that she hadn't seen my blogging in a while.  In a way that is accurate.  What actually occurred is that in December I was feeling as though nobody read my blog, so I went somewhere else.  I started using Wordpress, as I had a friend there.  I do like the format there - however, realizing that some people do look for me here, I will endeavor to AT LEAST mirror my entries...  Feel free to comment so that I know you are reading!

Manitoba

To be honest I never dreamed about living in Manitoba… I liked it when we drove through, but didn’t consider it inhabitable, for us anyway…

In April someone called my under-employed husband about a job there, and suddenly it is on the radar.  At the time it seemed like the most monumental decision, and since then the process has been long and arduous.  At first we were given a week to think over whether it was something we would consider.  After two days we decided that it was, and waited anxiously for the next step in the process.  Unfortunately the next step was to wait.  And wait.  After a month the company contacted us called once again.  This time my husband had two job postings sent to him, and two weeks to get the application into the HR department.  This time around the postings were not very well advertised, which on one hand gives me hope.  On the other hand I know that none of this will come to pass if it is not the will of the Almighty God.  That scares me.  I should let you know here that in the four years that I have been married, the eight years that I have been a mother, and thirtyish years prior to that I have oft heard God say “No”.  And by heard I mean had a seemingly open door slam in my face.

This in mind, it was a timely sermon on Sunday when the pastor reminded us that God’s is powerful, and is able to do what ever he needs to do, but that God also only wants the very best for us.  His will is not for us to have second best, but the best.  It will be hard if I find out that God once again is wanting to keep us here.  I am dreaming of the wide open spaces, the big skies, and the trek it will take to get there.  Right now I can’t even imagine anything better than what might await us in Manitba.

Typically we think of dreams as good. Goals to be achieved, and happy thoughts that we like to linger on. Then you are sleeping one night, and you are being chased, or crushed, or something of the like and you can’t seem to wake up. Finally you wake up with a gasp, but it isn’t over. The dream you want to leave behind is the one that follows you for the day, or week - until finally one day you find yourself lingering on a happier dream again.

That is kind of what my life feels like. I am being chased by the ideals of what I want, and what I want to be like and accomplish - and I can’t quite force myself into consciousness so that I can escape the fear and dread that continually wells up in me. I remember the happier dreams, but right now I just want to escape the darkness that threatens to never subside. I find myself longing for that unsettled feeling that follows the dream because at least then I know it is over, and I can at least cautiously try to leave it behind me.

You would think that when the worst thing you experience is in your head that you can control it. Dreams aren’t like that though. They sweep you away into a world without rules, the impossibly good can happen as easily as the impossibly bad.

Right now I want to wake up. I want to have control. I want to see a change in my circumstance, but I can’t. It is not only up to me, and no one else sees the urgency. The only person who can help doesn’t understand the context of my experience. They aren’t wrapped in the same darkness, even if they do have a darkness of their own.

So here I sit. Seeking out the light, praying to my heavenly Father to reach down and pull me out of the darkness, and dreaming in the darkness of the days when my mourning will be turned to dancing by the grace and power of He who leads me.

Our Answer

1 Thessalonians 2:11-13

For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory.

And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is at work in you who believe.

Tonight I do thank God continually. We heard tonight that the job is still a possibility, but not until into the summer. I am okay with that. I know that my husband will get a job, and for now he can concentrate on finishing his Masters. I feel like God let us have a peek at what he has planned for us, and has said “now get to work, and we can get the show on the road.”

My husband is going to try to get a temporary position at the same company near by, and work on getting the Masters wrapped up. I am going to work on getting control of the house, and getting things done around here. We now know that we need to get ready because God has big plans, and the next time we feel him taking us somewhere we will be ready.

Sitting at the Precipice

One week ago our life was normal. Normal for us, anyway. Last week my husband answers a phone call at dinner that sent our week in a tail-spin. Really nothing changed per se. The guy at the other end of the phone was calling from a respected company suggesting that my husband consider a position doing his dream job. The catch? The position would be in Winkler Manitoba.

For those who are not familiar with their Canadian geography, that would be 2000kms away. That is a big shift in the ‘dream’. I have not got anything specifically against Manitoba, short of the fact that I have had very little experience with it. That is the reason that this possibility is both exhilarating and terrifying. Thus the precipice.

On one side is the familiar. It is a free fall of living day to day. It is a constant rhythm of trusting that God will move and act, and that the people you love will respond to your need. It is a constant need. My husband and I dream of being financially independent, and of being able to make choices in life, instead of doing things, or not doing things out of a lack of resources.

On the other side is something that we did not go looking for, but appears to have landed in our lap. We are afraid to rest our hopes in it because it seems too good to be true. On the other hand we know that if this comes to be, that it is God’s handiwork. That being said - it is daunting to think of moving to an unknown area and starting fresh.

Both options are terrifying, and regardless one of them will be the outcome. Daily - hourly - possibly more - I cry out to God that I trust him. I believe that he is telling me… “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.’” (Jeremiah 29:11-13) I am seeking him, and all he has said is “Wait”. Part of me is okay with that. I have been much more patient that I thought I would. I know that whatever happens, that God will be there, and that he will faithfully provide. My anxiety is coming more from a blossoming excitement that I am afraid to let out, incase I am going ahead of God instead of following him.

I am not sure if there is a lesson in this situation, but there is certainly a test. Am I willing to live the life I intend to. Will I seek after God’s will, or charge off to carry out my own agenda? Will I let God direct my life, or try to direct it myself? I am trying. I am praying to God. I am searching the scripture for the words that he wants me to hear. So far the only words are “wait”, “trust”, and “I am in control”. So here I sit. At the precipice. Waiting to see where God will lead. Praying for the strength to do what he asks. Ready to close my eyes, fall over the edge - knowing that I will land in his arms, and soar on wings like eagles; run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint.