Depression: As spoken at Kortright Presbyterian Church on November 1, 2007

I woke up this morning convinced that today was going to be different. Different from what? My house would be tidy, meals on time (and healthy), kids happy (and quiet), husband happy, and able to get in a full days work and some work done on his Masters tonight. I know, I know. It sounds like the rantings of any mother of young kids. What is different about it when these thoughts are in my head?

At first I have this burst of energy. Yes. This WILL be the day when the pieces fall together where they belong. Then I have the sensation of my thoughts, energy, and body coming to a halt, as though the cement around me has begun to harden. How? How am I going to do this? First I have to get out of bed. What then? I am trying to figure out the order. The baby needs feeding, lunches need making, kids need dressing. I need to get dressed… The list is mounting. I have completely lost sight of the beginning and the end… Deep breath. Start where I am.

I pick up the baby, and I start heading downstairs. As I approach the top of the stairs I stop dead in my tracks. A cold chill echoes down my spine as I have a mental picture of falling down the stairs with the baby in my arms. I can see my body landing on his, and I can’t do it. I rush back to the bedroom, and put the baby on the bed. I feel panicked now. I keep touching the baby, and myself, trying to make sure that it didn’t really happen. My husband comes in the room from his shower, and I say “Bring Jordan downstairs for me.” as I slip out the room, and down the stairs before he can say no.

For the rest of the morning I am ‘off’. I am still trying to shake the feeling of having accidentally hurt one of my children – Instead of planning breakfast and lunches I am now trying to figure out how to avoid having to physically carry any of my kids up or down the stairs. If it has been a hectic (or noisy) morning I don’t want to be trapped in the house all day with the kids, so I try and plan a day out of the house. My husband gets downstairs and is frustrated that I have left everything for him to do. I don’t feel sorry. I feel hurt, and angry. I am trying to protect OUR children. Why doesn’t he see that?

The end result is the same. My husband is late for work because he is picking up the slack. Many times my son is late for school (I shutter to think what his teacher thinks of me as a parent). Many times I end up shopping to fill the hours till my husband is home – impulsively spending money we don’t really have. I am just trying anything to sooth the fear, anxiety, and mounting sense of failure. By the time I get Kyle home from school I am exhausted. He wants to play. It’s too loud. I can’t stand the way I feel. I have to close out everything. I call my husband. “Just please come home!” I plead. “I can’t do this!” I am crying now. He makes plans to come home as soon as possible.

By the time he gets here things are sometimes calmer. I have the TV on for the kids, and I am sitting at the table with my head down. Despondent. I immediately run up the stairs calling “Could you bring the baby up to me?”

My husband makes supper. Brings it to me, and puts the kids in bed. Then he works away at cleaning the disaster in the kitchen, and living room. The rooms I was trapped in all day if I was home. Everyday he saves me. I really don’t think he knows how much.

Not every day is this bad, but not every day is this good. Everyday is filled with fear, hopelessness, anger, disappointment, powerlessness, disgust. Everyday I have to fight to keep these feelings at bay. Everyday one of them seems to over-power me. Everyday I have to convince myself that in hoping for better for me and my family, that I am not being unreasonable. I have to convince myself that these feelings are not rooted in any truth about my failures as a person or mother, but rather have a life of their own. I have to convince myself that I am not lying to myself, and hoping for something I don’t deserve. I run out of hope that it will ever change.

This time I am coping with Post-partum depression, but I have experienced depression in different ways, at different times since I was quite young.

These days I feel like I am squandering the gifts that God gave me. Instead of thanking Him for my husband and kids, I find myself asking why He burdened them with me. When my husband looks at me lovingly I see pity. When my son complains that he wants me I search, but can’t find the energy to give him. He wants to be held, and I can’t bear the thought of being touched. Sometimes when I go through the motions I find myself resenting having to do it. When my daughter cries for her dad I know that she wants him because she knows that I am incompetent. She knows that I can’t help her. I can’t leave my infant son. I can’t let myself start. I need to not fail him. I have failed the others, but not him. I HAVE to be there when he needs me. There are people who say things like “He will be fine, Mom. Go.” I CAN’T! He is my lifeline. He keeps me going. For the time being it is easy to please him, and I need that.

In my prayers I beg God for mercy, for healing, for insurmountable amounts of grace. I curse Him for blessing me with a family I can’t enjoy. I pray for their emotional health. No matter how much grace and mercy and forgiveness that I know God has given me – it is never enough.

One of the things that hurts me the most through my journey with depression – is that although I have the disease – my whole family pays the price. My husband misses work – gives up his school work, and other social opportunities to be there to help out. My children miss out on having a mother who is able to give them what they need emotionally. Even my parents and siblings have to pitch in to help pick up the slack. My slack. I take medication. I get counseling. I try to get outside help. At the end of the day I still wasn’t able to do it. I failed again. I failed my husband, kids, myself. I failed God.

When the depression lifts it is not like I wake up and it is over. I just look around me and realize that it has been gone for a while. I always fear the day it will be back. One thing I can count on is that it will come back. When I gave birth to Jordan I found myself waiting for it. Hoping I was wrong - disappointed that I was right.

I feel guilty planning things like more children, or a move that are likely to bring it on. Even when I am not experiencing it I feel trapped by the threat of it.

I don’t know the answer. I wish I did. It would change my life, and the lives of my family. I often question the old adage that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. A lot of days I feel like He already has.

Everyday there is a constant battle in my mind. There is the part that knows how wretched I am. It knows that I am a failure, and useless. It knows that I have no worth. It knows that everything I touch will be ruined. Then there is the part that knows that I am a child of God. That I was created in His image. That he loves me, in whatever state I am in. That when I weep, He weeps. That He has only the best planned for me. I know that because He says so in the Bible. “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: ‘For your sake we face death all day long; We are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8: 35-39). That is my only measure of Truth. Without that I would be completely lost – not knowing what is true. The good I think I must have in me, or the bad that I believe to my core is accurate? I am incredibly grateful for God’s gift of the Bible. Without it I would not have any compass to follow through this darkness that I have found myself lost in. The weird thing is that even though there is no question about the validity of the Bible for me – I still feel like a fraud claiming the Truths within it for myself.

Regardless of how I feel, I know that I need to continue to place my trust and hope in God, and his word. I don’t know why, but this is the life that God has for me. I need to force myself to trust God’s promises. I try to accept any of the help that he sends my way. Sometimes receiving help strengthens the messages of self doubt – after all everyone else does it without this much help… I work very hard to ignore and overcome that mentality. The cycle has to stop somewhere, and I need the help. Finally I know that if anyone can take my illness and turn it into a positive, and a blessing – it is God and only God.

To sleep, purchance to dream - okay I would settle for not smelling vomit!

Having a young infant you tend to perma-smell like spit up. Not my favourite thing in life - but I will get through it for the love of my little one. A few days ago my two year old started randomly throwing up, and since I was busy with things concerning the death of my grandmother, and the post-op care of my baby sister - I really didn't pay it too much attention. She still ate. She still played. Maybe it was the heat?

Then Saturday night my husband comes down from putting Libby in bed, and LEFT HER IN HER BED CRYING! A huge thing - that I have been campaigning for. My excitement was short-lived when I then heard him vomiting in the bathroom. I guess it wasn't the heat.

Tonight Kyle has been up visiting the bathroom, and gravol just can't fight it (I have tried!) He is very matter-of-fact about it, and is praying in earnest that God will help his tummy feel better. Okay. So I feel like I did something right.

Yet all I can think is - I have not thrown up. I have not had diahrrea. I am next! Which leaves me feeling like the Israelites with the passover. You moms know what I am talking about! We rationalize that we are too valuable to the working of the house to be put out of commission! Oh well. I need to head to bed in the hopes that sleep will over-power the bug, and that I will indeed be spared. But I am not counting on it!

A Eulogy for my Grandmother

Growing up people often said that I was just like my grandmother. I hated it. Not that I didn't like her, but that they were usually referring to my being stubborn. A trait that she and I DEFINATELY shared. Looking through some of her old papers and things in the last few days I came to understand how deep that resemblance went. I found a letter in response to one she had written to someone in the House of Commons regarding the National Debt. I smiled as I thought back to my recent correspondence with various levels of government regarding Independent Energy brokers. I found a 'letter to the Editor' that she had submitted regarding some terrible injustice in the world at the time - and thought about the comment to a recent CBC story that I submitted. So I discovered that not only were we both stubborn but EVERYONE was entitled, and would thus receive our opinion. What other traits, if any did I glean from her?

My grandmother loved animals. Whether it was faithfully feeding the birds (carefully adding bacon grease in the winter), cared for a stray dog - or cat, or religiously carrying her old dog Rosey around when she was so riddled with arthritis she couldn't walk.

My grandmother loved people. She loved her family. I saw her serve my grandfather - providing the meals, doing the laundry - the traditional acts of service for a wife. I remember her caring for him when he was sick. It was beautiful to watch her love and strength in action. She LOVED my father. Her only son. Her treasured gift from God. Her eyes would light up whenever he entered the room. She loved my Mom. Who she referred to as ‘the daughter she never had’. Although she would often chide my Mom for worrying about her too much - you could see the love and gratitude in her eyes. As her grandchildren we all knew that Grandma loved us, each in our own ways for who we were. Her great-grandchildren were an endless source of joy for her. It wasn't that long ago that I brought Jordan to meet her for the first time. Even then - when we weren't even sure if she knew WE were there - having her newest great-grandson in her arms made her smile. No, made her beam! She loved strangers. Donating time, money, energy, whatever it took to help those more in need than herself...

My grandmother loved Christ. She strived to make him the centre of her day and the centre of her life. She believed that the world would be a better place if more people would do the same. I remember her teaching me the Lord's Prayer at the kitchen table, and I remember her encouraging me to 'love them like Christ does' when I would come to her teary eyed about being teased at school.

When you are young, all these stories and experiences drift by you like fall leaves on a breezy day. Little pieces of life being scattered in the wind. You don't look at, or appreciate the importance of them when you are experiencing the reckless abandon of youth. Now as a wife and mother of three I realize how fleeting those moments are - you realize that rather than some grand enormous occasion, it is the culmination of those little moments that make a legacy. Today and in the weeks following we need to sort through those pieces that Grandma left behind and decide what we are going to hang onto as her legacy to us.

For myself I want her dedication to Christ, and her dedication to her family to inspire me in my life. I pray today that God will place reminders of her in my path to keep me focused in following her footsteps in these things. I thank him for the woman he created when he made her, and I thank him for his love that shone through her and touched each of us.

Dream Disclaimer

While I sat in the out, out, OUT field in gym class in grade 6, picking clover, and thinking of the 27 kids I planned to have (that is how many I had names for :o) I didn't notice the small print. You know! "Car, house, and comfortable income not included." It has only been fairly recently that I have come to terms with the fact that you CAN have it all, but maybe not all at the same time.

I have my family, or as much of it as we can handle right now... I have a strong faith in God - although I know there is LOTS of room for improvement there. Back in the school yard I might have thought that was all there was to that dream. I took for granted that an income would have to provide the house, the car, the food. In my dream I wasn't stressed about the bills that had to be paid - neither was my husband. We were just able to enjoy the children, giving them a nice balance of what they need and what they want. We got to go camping, and touring Canada - they all had their own room, and got to participate in sports and other activities that interested them.

With maturity has come a MUCH more realistic number of children, but the other stuff didn't change. I still want to be able to give them everything, and be able to have the time, money and energy to expose them to travel, nature, people, culture, art - the list goes on and on.

Today my ds1 turns 7. He wants to paint his room, but since we rent, I can't do that for him. He always wanted a battery operated car - which he never got. He likes sports, but can only go to the YMCA - and then, only when I have the energy to take him. He loves animals and has been looking forward to us 'getting a farm'. That will not be happening anytime soon. He is perfectly happy, but for me, my sadness over him turning 7 is about more than just my 'baby' growing up. There is also guilt for not giving him that dream I had for him. There is also despair that I will have to experience this sadness over and over again, as he and the rest of my family continue to be short-changed on what I had hoped for them.

Perhaps I could give them more of those things if I decided to work outside the home, instead of sticking to my hopes of being home with them. I don't think that would fix it though. They might experience more - but I wouldn't be there to see it.

What are the things I am missing? I don't have the house. I have never been able to be excited about decorating a nursery, or bedroom. I can't change the things I don't like in the house... I don't have the yard. For them or their dog (which they also don't have). I don't have the vehicle that is comfortable for the whole family. I don't have the furniture. (Okay, this one is mostly about me... I just hate my house looking like I went shopping at a college yard sale - which is pretty much what I did!) I don't have the vacations. I want to take them camping, and to famous cities - ESPECIALLY Canadian ones... I REALLY want to take them to the 2010 Olympics...

The absence of these things don't diminish how much I love my children at all. I think my children make me sadder about these things though. Every time I see something out of line with the picture in my head I mourn the areas in which I have failed the kids, and the whole family...

Living The Dream

Sometimes I forget, but in at least in one sense I am 'living the dream'. For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM), just like my Mom. I would ALWAYS 'be the Mom' when I played pretend as a kid. I remember in high school, feeling like guidance counselling wasn't for me since I didn't NEED post secondary education - I just needed a family... In a way it is the one profession that is over-looked and under-valued by people in many aspects of society.

I know that my rush to have a family did lead me to make a lot of mistakes. I would fall too far into relationships too quick. At the time I REALLY did think that 'he' was the one... And time and time again 'he' would SO not be the one. Finding that out always seemed to be a terrible and painful lesson. Some more painful than others.

My DS1 was a part of one of those lessons. Even after he was born I thought I could make things work with his Dad so that I could have my family. Two weeks before I was to move to another city with him - he 'changed his mind'. Having already given up my job, and apartment - I was stuck. I spent 30 long, gruelling, terrible, eye-opening days in a women's shelter. During that time I found a job as a school bus driver, and a tiny apartment out of town. It wasn't my dream - but I was starting to feel close. I had started to take my faith seriously. I had FINALLY figured out that it was important. If I was going to achieve what I believed was God's plan for me - I was going to have to do it HIS way.

I was just starting to feel like my life was on track - and was settling down into a routine. Something happened - the details of which I won't discuss now - which resulted in my having to move. This time the Church rallied together and helped me and my son financially, emotionally, and tangibly. During this time the Church connected me to a small study group. In that group was the man I was going to marry. I didn't know it at first - the more my future DH and I got to know each other, the more I wanted to know...

He is from a close knit farm family, and family is very important to him. From a farming perspective - he loves nature, and respects it. He is sensitive, caring, and responsible. If he has a flaw - it would be the same as mine - in that he needs to learn things by experiencing them. IT DRIVES ME NUTS!!! He respects my desire to stay home to look after our family. We were married a year after we started dating. The only times I have EVER wondered if that was too quick has been in terms of the finances of my DH finishing his Masters, and supporting the family at the same time. It does get tough, and feels defeating at times, but I would not trade our life together, or the two children we have had since being married - for the world.

The times I get discouraged, and run down I need to focus on my family, and my place in it as the SAHM. My dream job!